Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2013 - The year I take my soul out for a wash.

I have to admit that my last blog post was hideous,  but necessary. My soul has been slowly crushed by all the bile that others force me to bear.  These people think they are doing something awesome, and something that they feel they have a right to do: Treat others like they are less than dirt.

All I've been feeling for the last few months is pain.  Oh I hide it well, because showing it will cause distress in those who have not put that pain there. Dave does not deserve it. Alex does not deserve it.  But the pain is there and I'm not willing to walk about this earth carrying it any more.

Isn't time I deserve better than to be someone else's dumpster? All I have ever wanted was love, but if that's not possible, then maybe just to be left alone? But no. Your goal is to make me feel unwanted, unloved and undeserving of what you give total strangers.

Yes, I know all the psychological bullshit about not letting it get to me and all that, but face it people: It DOES get to others when you constantly treat them like shit.  YOU ARE HURTING OTHERS and try to justify doing so.

Just stop.

Take a good, hard look at what you are doing.  Is your own self-importance worth the pain you cause others? Do you really need to break down others to build yourself up? If so, please go get help. And stop with the delusions that it another person's fault; it's not.

My solace in this mess has been my Goosies.  No really, my geese.  When I cannot stand another dig, when I cannot handle another human being's bullshit anymore, I go outside and sit with my geese: Sissy, Buddy, Percy, Ron, Sweet Pea and Ginny. In many ways, they are better than humans.  There is something to be said for simple, unconditional love.

I have sat on the frozen ground hugging a goose, crying. Crying because I feel that no one cares. Hell, my In-Laws' even think I should abandon my animals just to travel to their house and pay obesience.

Never.

My animals have shown more humanity that you have lately. I will abandon YOU and pay obesience to my geese. THEY DESERVE IT.

Putting up with others' insanity has gotten so bad that I don't even find solace in Knitting anymore. Probably because no one appreciates my gifts. I spend time, talent and effort to make others gifts that I *thought* they would appreciate;only for them to make sure to tell me they throw them out. That's being mean just to be mean; you could have shut your mouth and said nothing, but you wanted to make sure I KNEW you thought my gifts, my talent and my efforts are worthless to you.  Another dig into my soul.

I set up a perfectly great get together a my home and what do I get? Disaster.

No Mom, I don't need for you to bring down your house for this get together, I have blankets, bedding, food, refreshments and all that other stuff.  I get that dig: I don't have the intelligence to be a good host.

That's a dig in my soul that I did not share. Oh yes, I realize how awfully incompetent I am not to even be able to care for my guests, right?
Except that my 'guests' really didn't have the competency to be ...............guests.  A good guest does not deliberately ignore the host and all the other guests, sit on my couch surfing the net and IM'ing others. A good guest does not start fights and then congratulate himself on being awesome.  A good guest he's not.

My day is here: This is your pain that weighs down my soul and you can have it back now. 

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