Forgiveness and why a lot of people get it wrong

         

 I was at a party earlier this week having a discussion with a friend when his spouse spoke up.  She feels that I should let go of the regret and pain caused by a family member and ‘forgive’ him.  I’m sure she meant well, but whether or not I’ve forgiven that man for the pain he’s caused me and my immediate family is none of her business, nor is it any of HIS business as well.  My forgiveness, or lack thereof, is only between God and I.

And I think this is where most people – even Christians- get it wrong. 

They believe that #1: you should personally tell that person that you forgive them.  No, you don’t.  Forgiveness is between you and God.  And whether or not you forgive someone should not be made public.  Imagine if you did bad all your life but others would constantly say, “I forgive you”  The majority of people would just go on doing the damage they’ve been doing all along.  Only a fraction of people can grasp how their actions or words have hurt someone and truly change. 

So if you go around doing bad things but never getting forgiven for them, or never even knowing if you’ve been forgiven for them, perhaps that is a reason to change.  When you see friend after friend alienating them from your life; when you see friends and family try to tell you things you refuse to hear, and you see your life being just painful….it’s a time to change. 

 
Forgiveness is a hard thing to define, but the best way I define it is to accept that the person has done wrong based on what THEY believe is right action.  In this case, the family member believes that his opinions, actions and beliefs are SO much better than the rest of us, that he can forgo the rules of polite society and do whatever he wants.  My forgiveness of him, means that I understand he did it out of an intention that was good in his opinion, but wasn’t.  

But forgiveness does not mean I allow that man back into my home, into my family or into my life.  He’s done a huge amount of damage and I don’t want him around me.   This is not a regret, not holding a grudge, but sheer self-preservation. 

The 2^nd misbelief is that if you ‘forgive’ a person, you allow them back into your life with no expectation that they will change.  You must allow them to continue hurting you based on their skewed beliefs that they are doing good.  No.  Forgiving a person for their hurt against you doesn’t mean that.  Sometimes, it means that you distance yourself away from that person for your own well-being. 

After many years of being a single Mom, and sitting at the sink washing dishes, I had decided to forgive my Son’s father for what he put me through.  He was at a stage in his life where his buddies had convinced him that I was wrong for him, and that kids were bad.  So he abandoned us to that party life.  I forgave him for that, but never told him.  Why? Because it wasn’t about him, really. It was about me letting go of the pain and hurt from his actions. It was about me moving on in my life.  I spent those years assessing what I wanted and didn’t want in a relationship, and then based on that, moved on.